Too fast

They grow up too fast. I wonder sometimes if my heart can bear them being old enough to be on their own. He is 5. Sweet, sweet 5, such a fun age to raise, but my baby is 5!! Tonight he is flying around the neighborhood on his bike. What is it about seeing him gain the ease of riding with no training wheels that makes him age like 10 years?? That precious baby boy is now so strong, so full of energy, brings joy to all that know him, is becoming a big kid. My heart swelled with joy tonight for my son. I am so proud of him. I had one of those moments where you just tear up when you look at them. I love this child. I am thanking God tonight yet again for allowing me to be his mom. I hope I do the right things. I hope he grows up to be a great man of God. It is my prayer everyday. I love you Whitfield Daniel. You make my heart smile every moment of the day. 

And my day ends with him gently taking my hair in his hands and stroking my face saying "I love you mommy" oh please oh please, let time stand still....

People...

Oh my goodness at the people to thank for this week. I will try to list them but I am sure I am going to leave out someone.....

Blake: he was one of the most powerful presences there for me this week. Something about a sibling that knows exactly how you feel. He took over for things I didn't even know what to do with. My heart ached for him the whole time even though we were walking through this together. Not a moment passed that I didn't feel grateful to have him there. When he left I cried the nasty cry, not because I couldn't make it without him, I just loved having him there. 

Tonya: wow....I love when tonya is in take care of things mode. She was right on it the moment she arrived. She did things we needed to do around moms and handled more than we emotionally could.  She was also there for greg and I am thankful for that. They have a bond those two outlaws. Poor things married into this family. 

Henley, paisley, and lander: I always love these three, but this week their sweet innocence was such a nice break from reality. I adore these children so much! I could sit and talk to them for days and days and not get bored. 

Patrick: don't laugh, I am glad he was there. We had conversations we needed to have. We are not all the same, my brothers and I, but at least a few moments this week we were united in one cause and that was a pretty neat experience. 

Greg: I know I probably should put him first. My list is not by favorites I promise. I love so much about greg. We give him a hard time about a lot of things but this week the only word I can think to describe him is amazing. He was stronger than I have ever seen him. He was there for me when I thought we were losing dad. He took care of things I didn't even know I needed taken care of. At one point he took my mother's weepy face and held it in her hands and said "you are the strongest woman I know. You pray harder than anyone I know. You can pray him out of this." Everytime I turned around he was where I needed him. I am beyond proud to be your wife Gregory Daniel. In good times and bad.... I love you so much.

Susan and Brucie: I don't know if you have great in laws but I sure do. Susan is pretty amazing if you ask me. She took my babies and took such good care of them. She even came down on one of our worst days to see us..... It all means so much to me.

Jen: you can make fun of us but I love my Jennifer. I told her I don't think we have ever hugged so much!? I needed to see her that day. I needed a hug from home. I needed her to be in that moment with me and she was. 

Sarah: oh sweet Sarah and her prayers. When I need someone to pray I always go to Sarah. I think hers are quicker to god. Her heart is so pure for her friends and family...it is one of my favorite things about her. She has been there without being "here" every moment of the way.

Liza: kindred spirits. No matter how far away we are, when something happens she is there. She has been so supportive this whole time. I know she wanted to be here and the fact that she was willing and ready to come meant more than she will ever know...

Jerk: she is my sister in love. Yep court I said in love. She wanted to bad to be here but she was so supportive to greg and I am so thankful for that. 

Anna: she was one of the first people I called. What is it about some people that can soothe you in the moment? Well Anna has that gift that is for sure. We have been friends since 5th grade and I don't know what I would do without her. She very calmly said "ok, well this is what you are going to do..." Love her...

Stewart and bill: we have been church jumpers. We finally found southbridge. One of my main reasons for trying there was Stewart. I always said if I was dying I would want Stewart there. If something good happens I want Stewart there. Guess where Stewart was when we were at our worst? Right there with us praying over my daddy. And sweet bill.... So thankful to see him that day!

My boss: she told me to go. She told me she was praying and when she says that she means it. She sent me inspirational texts and encouraged me the whole way.  When he was healed she said "see?? I told you!! Now you can share this miracle with others!"

My team of teachers: oh what would I do   without them? I felt their prayers the whole time and they took are of everything I needed! I mean everything!. not one worry about school crossed my mind this week. Such a blessing...

Friends and family: I love Facebook but this week it has brought a whole new meaning to me. It was like I had this force field of prayer warriors out there for me. And boy did their prayers work!! I was so encouraged by every sweet message and words of support. It meant so much! 

Nurses: Kat, Jamie, and the countless others that took such good care of my daddy. I don't know where to start! Today I said goodbye to Kat and I cried. They just did so much. We went from near death with them to a man sitting in a chair having a conversation...and they walked us through each moment. God bless them for all they did for my family. 

The life saving team: this consists of tons of people some who I know their names and some who I don't. Charles, Adam, our EMT guys, the ER nurses, drs, and so many others. They each worked to save his life. Some by chance and some by trade, but each person was not by chance but by the grace of God. 

Mom's sweet fiends: phyllis is taking this hard. We have walked her trough it in large part thanks to her sweet friends. They have been so supportive. I am having to leave tomorrow but I know she is in good hands. She'll rise up. She is strong. She's pretty amazing my mom. I am proud she is still standing after this week!

If I didn't list you it isn't on purpose. I am still in awe of the amount of love and support we have received. It is beyond amazing. I am thankful for a lot of things this week.... Life, friendships, family, and a God that watches over us even when we don't know it. I stand in awe of you.... Forever in awe of how great our God is.

Moment

There was one strong moment through all this that I prayed for. I first saw those dark brown eyes lifeless, and I prayed that one day I would see them light up again. Today, grumps woke up. He breathed on his own. He was so sweet to all the nurses giving lots of thumbs up and holding their hands. He is grateful for all they have done. Mom and I spent the day praying for breathing. We wanted him off that vent. Answered prayer here we are!! I just got to look my daddy in the eyes again, no tubes, and guess what? Those big brown eyes are full of life. Thank you God for answered prayers. I am beyond grateful at this moment, and shouting your praises from any rooftop I can find because you have let me walk through what it is like for perform a miracle. I have always believed in them, but this week I have witnessed one. He died, you brought him back, he died again, you brought him back. I am in awe. I am thankful. I am overjoyed. I am humbled. I am speechless. 

What. A. Day.

Waiting...

I have never in my life been good at waiting. This is the worst kind of wait. The not knowing.... The worry of what the future will hold..... So here we are just waiting. I am praying hard tonight dad gets to come off the ventilator tomorrow. Dr says by Tuesday but I am praying hard it is tomorrow! 

The best Tennessee game EVER

Dad was starting to wake up a little. I usually go and pat his hand and talk to him a little. He opened his eyes so I began to talk to him. I told him he was in te hospital like I always say. Then i said "today is Saturday dad, you are missing some good football." And do you know what my father, on a ventilator and heavy meds did? He looked at me, looked around the room and pointed to the TV! I asked if he wanted to watch football am I get a nod. I turn on Tennessee vs Oregon and he seems happy but is trying to tell me something. I ask if he wants his glasses... Again big nod. So there we sit, my father and I, watching the team I grew up watching with him, in this hospital room that I said goodbye to him just days ago in, with a ventilator helping him breathe, and it was my most favorite Tennessee game ever. Oregon was killing them. Dad did lots of thumbs up and an occasional flipping off oregon( which is so dad's personality, if he could talk it would have bee yelling). We only made it to half time before he was asleep again, but that moment, those moments, were a living miracle in progress. I like to think I have witnessed miracles, but to see one take place is the most amazing thing. The fact he can communicate with us is a miracle. He wanted to write us a note and he told us that he wanted us to move him to Jacksonville. I think he realized the severity of his situation but we reassured him we knew what we were doing. I sure hope he understands, but the fact that he was bossing us around while he is intubated is again a strong characteristic of my father. He is strong willed. It is why he is still here. He is a fighter. 

I am so proud of you dad. Praying tomorrow brings you breathing on your own and maybe we can have our first chat. Thumbs up!!

New normal

We are on day 5, or maybe 6 since our world was turned upside down. I faced life without my daddy. Mom faced life without her husband. The magnitude of this week is starting to sink in. Today we finally heard the sweet words "most likely he will live" music to our ears.... Nothing in life is a guarantee. Not one single thing are we promised other than everlasting life. Mom is learning how to run her family after dad doing it for so many years. We are learning that our parents aren't going to be here with us forever and we need to make the most of each moment we are given. He is 63. That is not old. That is me in 28 years. He is not done with this world yet. I keep staring at him wondering what he will say when he wakes up. My prayer is that he is forever changed for the better. I hope he can see through this how loved and important he is to each one of us. I am praying there are lots of years left in that heart of yours, Harold Sartin. You have scared us to death, but I know all things happen for a reason. You went into cardia arrest at a moment that you had people around you to save you. Someone we don't know pulled you from your truck and began CPR. Ems arrived in 3 minutes and performed life saving measures on you. They nurse you had the am was the one that did CPR on you when you arrived here. The EMS guys have been back to check on you. The nurses come each day and make sure you are still doing well. Your lung dr today said you are a small miracle. He is the one that told us your chances of living was 20 % and you were the sickest patient in the CICU. I laugh at the small miracle comment. God doesn't do small miracles. They are all big. You are our BIG giant miracle and I can't wait to tell you that. I can't even go through how many people are praying for your healing. It is beyond amazing. So, remember when all of this is over, that God saved you and He has great plans for your future. I am praying for lots of days ahead of time with you!

Miracles

I believe in miracles. I love to see one happen and people just stand amazed. I like to smile knowing it was not the drs, the medicines, luck, or chance, it was a true act of God. 

Today has been so hard. We got here and dad was responsive to touch. He squeezed my hand. When we asked him questions he responded by shaking his head. He even mouthed a few words to us. A spark of hope.....then we talked with a dr and our hopes faded. He said that he was concerned with his  oxygen levels and the amount of fluid in his lungs. His heart needed to get better without all the fluid. "His chances of survival are not good" to quote the dr. 

Backtrack to the beginning, where I clearly stated I believe in miracles. I know that God can heal him. I am praying that each moment of the day. 

So we each take a moment and say our goodbyes. We tell him how proud we are of him, we tell him out kids love him so much, we tell him that we will take care of mom, and we ask him to fight, but if he doesn't want to fight anymore we understand. We promise him we will be ok. I have seen goodbyes like this on tv. Thy are the ones that make you boo hoo. Today I had to listen to my mom say goodbye to her partner of 40 years. She begged him to keep fighting. I feel like I am in a dream world at this point. My heart is broken. Blake and Patrick both get to talk to him, tonya talks to him, And my  precious husband tells my daddy he loves him. Time stands still....

Stewart and bill come by to see us. It is so good to have a face from "home" I want to cry yet again. Stewart prays over dad  and I simply stand and stroke his hair. I keep petting his head like I do a newborn baby. You just want them to know you are there. I tell him I love him. He mouths back very clearly "I love you too"

I love this man. I look at him so vulnerable now, the man that have me life. My son bears every single feature that pops has on his face. They are identical. It makes me smile. Those brown eyes still have life in them. My hope was deflated this morning but I am bringing it back. I think deep down we know things could go either way but right now all I need to have is faith. I will sit here for days on end and stroke that silver hair on his head. I will tell him over and over just how much we love him. He has never claimed perfection but I think he has always tried to take care of each of us and keep us safe. He's been an amazing dad. Whatever kind of ending this horrible roller coaster I am in has, I know he will feel loved and taken care of by each of us. If God is calling him home, then I truly hope I can rejoice in knowing he is at peace and in no pain. So, daddy, whatever happens we will all be ok. We will take care of things here if it is you time to leave us. We will rejoice for you. Yet deep down, my selfishness wants to rejoice at your healing. So I will continue to pray for a miracle. I don't know if you've heard but I believe in them.